The bearded touch

This (for lack of a better word) to blame – I had a severe case of RSI in my left hand due to excessive beard stroking. 

I have been concentrating on using both hands from now on for this hairy journalistic ritual. 

When I was approached by Fox Sports News regarding the reasons why I stroke the beard – I replied, “Because I can, AND – as my daughters say - if your Dad doesn’t have a’ve got two Mums.”

Lounge Lizards vs Butchers

The reptilian army were metaphorically spitting fire in their warm up circle for this tournament of the body and the mind, and looked limber and cold-blooded in their approach to their opponents. 

As usual Tom Jobling found the try line along with his partner in crime Keenan Bourke who always puts plenty of razzle dazzle into each game he plays with two tries next to his name. 

But the king of the kids on this occasion was Lachlan Fleming who smashed out five tries without raising a sweat. 

His old man Tony reckons he set them all up – although, at the time of publication, this outrageous claim had not been verified.

The slicers and dicers for the Butchers were looking to carve up some carcass and lay down some bacon in their quest for touch football glory, and they gave it a red hot go! 

Clayton Syme cut his way to the try line and scored an absolute beauty. Andrew Duncan and Mitchell Ash also found the paint with a try each next to their names.

 A gallant display from the men in blue and white once again showing that they will meat-cleave a few more victories before seasons end.

 Final score was 8-3 to The Lounge Lizards.

The Challenged vs Silhouettes

The Wetties were primed to put on a performance bigger than the Red Hot Chilli Peppers at the Superbowl – although – the Silhouettes had no need to lip sync. 

Their cognition between each other was nothing short of seamless as they ruthlessly devoured their opposition. Single meat pies were scored by Levi Wilson and Scotty Brennan. 

For the second helping, Luke Farrow and Ben Loughman scored doubles. Young Tom Smith bagged three tries – but the head honcho was his older brother Phil who scored five tries for the night. 

A fair haul for the boys in brown.

The Challenged were shorter than a bare-footed dwarf with no hat on. An unusual scene for the men in Black and Gold – as they almost always have a full contingent of players. With not even a full side on the paddock the boys soldiered on and certainly had their work cut out for them. Matt George found the try line once, along with Liam McInnes who seems to score every week! Lo and behold – it’s no surprise that Mr Lachy Tulloch top scored with two tries, once again – an Argus regular. 

Final score was 14-4 to The Silhouettes.

Dumpers vs Casual Gods

This game had all the markings of an absolute belter with both sides very capable of ‘tearing each other a new one’. 

It was always going to be a matter of execution and it was done very well by both camps.

 For the Dumpers Tom Carter, Harle ‘The General’ Gall, Dan Gall, Sam Ford and ‘Busslen’ Ben Makim all found the try line once each. 

Will Cater snuck over for two meaties also. But the king of the Mullet, Tommy Fitzgerald was the man of the hour with four tries scored.

The Gods were summonsing various otherworldly concoctions and paraphernalia – as they were very skinny in the players department. 

Only five men/gods appeared to represent the good name of the men in aqua/blue/whatever the hell colour it is! 

But I must say – that these five did very well! 

Mitch Lawless and Tim Cuthbert both worked hard and found the try line once each. Russel ‘Argus’ Carter scored two tries for his beloved side, Ben Dillon went one better and scored three.

 But the bloke to tip them over the edge was ‘Slippery’ Mick Jameson who bagged four tries for the gods. 

So with ¾ of a team, the Gods managed to grind out an 11 all draw! Solid performance.

Cutters vs Titans

Numerous gambling websites posted this match as a 50/50 - as bugger-all separates these two sides in many aspects of the game. 

The match was a nail biter to the end and a bloody good and fair hit out. The Cutters approached this match the same as any other – with a cold beer and a cheeky grin.

 Dave Wild scored a deceptive beauty through the middle of the ruck and was followed closely by Casey Herde and Johno Cranny who both smashed out doubles. 

The entire side attacked and defended very well, which was the highlight of this game for me.

The Titans were clad with the right weaponry to combat, and they put up a bloody good fight. 

The armour, swords and shields were all made out of aluminium (possibly melted down or crushed by various beer cans.) Alec Beston scored a ripper through the middle for his chargers as did captain courageous Tommy Maunder. 

But the sneakiest battle move of all for the evening was an unconfirmed blindside/foothold manoeuvre by Mr Ian Zimmerman which saw him scoot over the side for a try. 

We have all been hearing about this one from Ian all week – and probably will hear about it for the next few! 

Final score was 5-3 to The Cutters.

Vic Legends vs Blown Hoses

The new, more even comp draw has seen this game finish as tight as a Scotsmen’s orifice when it’s his shout at the pub. A very good, free-flowing game of footy was played with points’a’plenty. 

For the Vic Legends, Mark Dezius and Adam Sempf both scored single beauties, and were followed by Andrew Woods and Angus Croft who bagged doubles. 

The Hell of the West finisher himself – Andrew McPherson took the cake though with three tries.

The Blown Hoses had the pipes clear and were running on full steam – the men in red looked sharp and ready to unload. 

The men were talking tactics over a quiet beer, rum and ciggie as they plotted their opponents’ would-be demise. 

Mick Brayden and Jordan Jenkins both smashed over for single tries in this conquest. 

Pete Bouchier and Milko stole the show though with the destructive duo both scoring three tries each – a fantastic effort!

 Final score was 9-8 to The Vic Legends.

The 5 Star All Stars vs The Fruit Bats 

Unfortunately The Fruit Bats forfeited this match with lack of numbers – so the points went to The 5 Stars.

Cheers! El Prez.

Greg “Boris” Billing in a quiet moment.

Greg “Boris” Billing in a quiet moment.

This week’s games:

7pm Bye Ref 5 Star All Stars

Field 1 Blown Hoses vs Silhouettes

Field 2 Vic Legends vs Butchers

Field 3 Challenged vs Uppers

8.10pm Bye Ref Lounge Lizards

Field 1 Titans vs Casual Gods

Field 2 Cutters vs Fruit Bats

Field 3 Dumpers vs Wrangers