Brains? At touch football?

THERE was a certain air of uncertainty within the well drilled ranks of the touch fraternity coming into round four as to whether the Brain Drain would affect the playing roster for the night of most sides.

 Yes, there were a few guys who, unbeknownst to their respective teams, claimed that they actually could qualify for the tournament of the minds, and therefore would be absent on the night. 

After speaking with all clubs involved it has been discovered that this particular claim from the absent players is unfounded.

 One captain was heard as saying that it was outrageous that his missing men were actually able to qualify for the Brain Drain, he had not seen any sign of intelligent life from said players in seven years.

Investigations continue into this matter as we speak.

The Blown Hoses unloaded a full length of blown hose (ahem) onto their opponents, The Challenged, to rack up their first victory of the season. 

Apparently before the match Skipper Jody McCall delivered a Braveheart-like speech to his soldiers who responded with the following heroic actions. 

Adam “Thomo” Thompson and Anthony “Designated” Driver steamrolled over the try line three times each to heed the call of their dedicated leader. 

Brodie “Big Mac” Donald and “Captain” Zac Farrow were hot on their heels with a double each. Tommy Brown, Frecka Franey, Jai Martin and Captain Courageous himself, Jody McCall, all smashed over the line. 

The Challenged faced a monumental challenge with this game which posed a number of challenging challenges to their roster, and I challenge anyone to prove me wrong on this particular challenging matter/sentence. 

Amidst the hailstorm of tries being pelted on them The Challenged stood firm and did their utmost to combat their Scotsman-like rivals. 

Speaking of Scotsman – Taiton Marchant was successful in keeping his strides from tearing this week, and in doing so, played a solid game for his side. 

Myles Sheahan stood tall for his club with a magnificent three-try haul, and he was backed up nicely by Liam “Yeah Boarz” McGuinnis and Ash “Firm Beats” Robinson who both rolled over the try line.

 Final score was 14-5 to The Blown Hoses.

The Silhouettes vs The Cutters match has been marked in the playing ranks diary for quite some time now, with both sides getting their fluids topped up well before the game. 

Jamie Deans, Jeff “Scoob” Suhr and Luke “Lucky” Farrow all shouted their brethren team mate Scotty Brennan a cold ale before and after the match to congratulate him on his engagement to Amy Bell. 

Amy was supporting her man and his team on the side line – but the amount of bling on her finger actually was blinding the Silhouettes vision at times which led to a bit of dropped ball. 

C Grade specialist centre Matt Boucher found his way to the line two times for the Wetties and good old Ash “Stylish” Stlyes also got over the black paint. 

The Cutters blistering paceman Brett “Inferno” Castle tore the hopes and dreams of the Wetties to pieces very early in the piece with a ridiculous six-try haul.

 Although, this reporter can assure you that he was given money balls all night by Nev “Nifty” Gorrie, Rob “Moses” Graham and Pete “Turtle “Vukovich.

 David “Wet &” Wild scored a meat pie as did new star recruit Corey “End of story” Martyn.

 James Tweedy was spewing that he did not get a mention in the Argus last week, due to a scoring mishap on my behalf, but I will give him a wrap this week for fronting up to the Brain Drain with Casey Herde, John Cranney, Sam Tweedy and Dom O’Connor in full pink dresses aka the movie Bridesmaids. 

Thank God James’ lovely wife Naomi was there dressed up as well to tidy up the shonky line up! 

Final score was 8-3 to The Cutters.

The Titans suffered their second defeat for the season to the hands of the merciless 5-Star All Stars. 

The Titans still appear to be a side that will be around in top ranks at the business end of the season even though they were well beaten in this particular battle. 

One of the many reasons I say this is due to the freakish skill of the likes of Trent “Muzz” Murray who arguably pulled off one of the biggest windmills since heavy metal was invented, and strode out to score one of the sneakiest tries of the season.

 Perry “P.J” Duncan and Tony “Prongasaurus” Spicer both found the try line. 

Once again, some strategic signing from the Titans’ Executive committee paid off, with young Alec Beeston yet again scoring himself a double – of tries that is.

All this was in vain though as The 5-Star All Stars were limber and ready to dance the quickstep like it was going out of fashion.

 Lachy Dennison and Brandon McIntosh both destroyed their opponents with three tries apiece. 

They were backed up well with Mervin Jarrett, Kyle Munro and Dave “Magic” McGrady who all weaved their way to the try line twice. 

Young Nick “Boomi” Smith, Malcolm Peckham Junior, Cory McIntosh and Harold “Buddy” Brown also found the try line.

The All Stars have certainly set the benchmark high this year, and will be a force to be reckoned with no doubt. 

Final score was 16-4 to The 5 Star All Stars.

THE Butchers came  close to a big upset on Thursday night with a well played game against the newly affiliated side The Dumpers. 

Once again Andrew “Slippery” Williams found the try line for his side – as did Mitchell Ash and Dave Bauer.

James Keedar and Jack “On the” Hunt both exploded for the Butchers with two tries next to their name at the end of the day. 

Captain/Coach Tony Cover revealed at a post-match Skype broadcast the following revelation: “The Butchers are sharpening their tools nicely and are on the verge of carving up some serious carcass” 

I then asked Tony if he thought I was an idiot – Tony replied “Yes”.

The Dumpers excreted all over any claims that they are not a chance of being at the top end of the table come finals time – with a well earned win. 

Tommy “Mullet Specialist” Fitzgerald, Will “Stang” Carter and Sam “Skipper” Forwood all screamed over the try line twice.

 Dan Gall, Jack “Beer” Burey and Boomi all scored meaties for The Dumpers. 

During question time Ben Makim has told Fox Sports that the new playing strip for the Dumpers has inspired The Parramatta Eels to actually swap competitions, as they believe they have a better chance of winning a few games in Goondiwindi. 

We can only speculate on this comment, as Parramatta refused to comment on the matter due to contractual restraints. 

Final score was 9-7 to The Dumpers.

Wrangers vs Lounge Lizards was another torrid affair that was more torrid than a torrid affair with Madonna. 

 This was a game that the young guns of their sides stood up and accounte themselves well.

 Brady “Marto’ Martyn and Brandon “Untouchable” Peckham both got over the line twice for The Wrangers. 

Once again young Jack Norman scored for his side – as did a few old war horses by the names of “Gorgeous” George Sharpley, Andrew “Snow” Lawrence and Karl “Bob” Tonkin who also trudged over the line once each. 

The Lounge Lizards young guns also rallied well for the club steeped in tradition. 

Keenan Burke “and Wills”, Sam Jobling and Ryan Alexander all scooted over the try line for The Lizards. 

The team has signed well with second generation players with Col “Slug” Trehearn, Tony “Pipes” Flemming and Brett “Shiny” Jobling all having their sons – Duncan, Lachy and Sam - running found on the paddock, which is a wonderful thing.  

After a private post match interview at an undisclosed watering hole in Goondiwindi, Shane “Rabbits Warren” Clements revealed to me that The Lounge Lizards have been approached by Super League U.K Giants “Hull” for a pre-season promotional match to be held in Prague. 

At the time of publication – Clemie couldn’t confirm whether the Lizards were going to accept this offer. 

Final score was 8-3 to The Wrangers.

Casual Gods vs Fruit Bats was another nail-biter with only two points the differentiating the two clubs. 

Young Dale Stahlut rampaged over the line three times for The Gods and once again, that man – Russel Carter scored twice. 

Levi “Might &” Power and Evann Tyter also scored for their sides. 

A fantastic effort was shown by The Gods; considering they only fielded six players and battled on to compete very well for the entirety of the tournament. 

Trent “Ringer” Raymond was quoted as saying at full time “Thank *$#@ that’s over”. 

The Fruit Bats have also blooded well with their players, with some serious sting in their tails when they get a roll on. 

Tim “Fence Bender” Tribe rollicked over the line four times for the Fruities and was followed very closely by usual suspect Ty “Me up” Hennesy who raced over for three meaties.

 Joss Cleal made a spectacular appearance for The Bats and scored a double for his new side. 

The Rugby League blood runs very thick in the Cleal family, as we all remember the feats of Dad and Uncle – Les and Noel back in the day. 

Final score was 9-7 to The Fruit Bats. 

The final match “almost” played was Uppers vs Vic Legends – which ended up a forfeit match due to Brain Drain attendants from both camps. 

To both sides credit, they put on a scratch match for a bit of a laugh and still had a good run around.

  It has been reported that for the Uppers Tom Milton scored two tries – both downhill for both sides – a feat which I don’t think has ever been accomplished. 

Jack Norman, who actually reffed the friendly, also somehow managed to score two tries – another First for this competition! Final score was a win to The Uppers due to Forfeit.

On a half serious note – players need to remember that all players must have their subs payed up – AND all players MUST have identical shirts to run on the field – even if this means players change shirts on the sideline, we don’t have many rules – but rulz is rulz Macca!

This week’s games  


Bye Ref – Uppers

5 Stars vs The ChallengedTitans vs Fruit BatsBlown Hoses vs Vic LegendsCasual Gods vs Lounge Lizards


Bye Ref – 5 Stars

Uppers vs SilhouettesCutters vs The DumpersWrangers vs Butchers

Cheers! El Prez.

Greg "Boris" Billing

Greg "Boris" Billing